Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the original Ninja Turtles cartoon. I remember there was a shit load of figures that came out for years, even after the original series was over! There was a lot of great figures, but with so many being released they couldn’t all be winners. Here’s a look at “My Top 5 WTF Ninja Turtle figures” …
#5 – Space Usagi
OK, what the fuck? Without getting all into the history of Usagi Yojimbo I will say this – he was one of the coolest characters and action figures in the Ninja Turtle series (even though he’s not really from the “TMNT” series). He’s right up there with Casey Jones in my book. Now, it’s typical for these company’s to re-release older figures with a new twist just fill up the roster of a certain wave of figures they’re putting out. But what the fuck? Usagi Yojimbo is a shonen warrior, they could have made a battle armor figure, a battle damaged figure, perhaps even a ninja warrior Yojimbo would have been better. But instead they put the poor bunny in space!
Look at that expression, he doesn’t even look like he wants to be there!
Even Raph’s face on the card has that “dude, what’d they do to you?” look. Also, you can wear sandals in space and be totally fine.
#4 – Mutatin’ April
Now, I’m no expert about the contents of what’s in the sewers. But, I’m pretty sure there are no leopards. But I’ll dismiss that on the basis that, OK maybe this is a manifestation of her personality. But, still – I’ve never thought of April as catty. Outgoing maybe, but not catty. But hey, I’ll stop trying to rationalize the origin of Mutant April for a second and look at the figure itself…
God damn! This is one ugly figure!
On the box it shows that all of her skin has turned into leopard fur, or leopard looking skin – I don’t know. But on the figure, her chest is flesh colored. This makes the figure look really cheap. Also, her face looks shitty. It kinda looks like she’s in mid conversation with someone. There was no need for this figure.
#3 – Bandito Bashin’ Mike
There’s something about this figure that sounds and looks racist but I can’t quite put my finger on it. The name itself isn’t actually racist but the actual figure? Maybe. It’s basically a Mexican Michelangelo. All they did was put a mustache and a sombrero on him and dressed him up like a Mexican. Did that sound racist? Yea, I don’t know what it is about this figure.
#2 – Doctor.El
To be fair though, there was a shit load of figures that were just figures and never showed up anywhere else. Some were actually pretty cool. But some, like this guy was a total fail. This poor guy has one elephant hand and foot and one human hand and foot. Did he hold down B while he was mutating and get fucked up half way? He doesn’t even look appealing as a toy, he look boring. Also he has a nipple ring on his one and only nipple. What a lame ass figure. This guy makes Fugitoid look like Wolverine!
#1 – Pizza Tossin’ Figures.
I bet you looked at that face right there and said “what the fuck”. What was up with this “Pizza Tossin'” action figure line? Why did they decide to make all the Ninja Turtles look like they were fused with Garfield on steroids?
Why was it necessary to make the Turtles look utterly fucking bat-shit insane? As a kid I loved the Pizza Thrower, it shot out little pizza discs really far and that’s what kids liked. So, of course putting that idea into an action figure seemed like a great idea. But why do this to the Turtles? I remember seeing these figures as a kid and passing on them just because they looked so fucking insane. Could you imagine if they looked like that in the cartoon or comic? Why make a figure like that?
::drops mic, walks off stage::